In the Dark of the Night

One of the worst times of day, I find, is when you lie in bed, wide awake in the dark of the night - not the snugly time just after you switch out the light to go to sleep - but the time around 4.00 to 5.00 when you have woken up again and can't get back to sleep.

Your thoughts run away with you - no matter what you start thinking about they rush around in a spiral and end up in exactly the place you don't want them to go. I am writing this at 5.03 on Saturday morning, because I stopped for a toilet break (i.e. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep) around an hour ago.

 I lay in bed for half an hour and then got up with my head spinning, reaching that horrible place, full of dark thoughts - obviously, in my case, I was thinking of the humiliating defeat last week by Wales at Murrayfield (fortunately my main rugby companion has been on school holiday duty this week and I was spared the whole 'that was a dreadful match' conversation, particularly since he is English).

It was my birthday this week - in fact it was my birthday on Wednesday - they day I was at hospital for my treatment. I went to my GP on Tuesday for my regular blood test, then waited with baited breath to see if my blood count had raised from the week before. The call came through on Tuesday afternoon. The blood levels were back up and everything was good to go.

I turned up at the hospital and was plugged in. Every time the drip is changed, they check my name and date of birth - just in case I have forgotten it, I think (or maybe it is to check that no one has sneaked in, hit me over the head and swapped places with me to take my treatment. Hmmm. Must ask about that on Wednesday).

It didn't take long for all concerned to notice the similarity in dates and very sweetly, I was given a box of chocolates (probably from the stash of goodies received from other grateful patients, but I appreciated it none the less). After helping my self to oneof the orange truffles, I passed the box round the treatment area where I was. A little later I was helped with my chocolates by Clairee, The NinjaGeek when she gave up her own birthday afternoon (she was nineteen and I was forty four if anyone wants to know) to visit her poor old dad in hospital, again it was very much appreciated (so thank you Claire).

One of the differences between the Western and St Johns is that the latter is a much smaller unit they have space for around 5 or 7 patients at any one time. They have the same cancer types regularly, every week - Tuesday was bowel cancer day. That meant that when I went along every third Tuesday I would seem the same people every time. There were always people starting or finishing, and there were inevitable delays, but in general the people stayed the same. Also because everyone was being treated for the same thing, with roughly the same everyone knew how it felt and it was going.

On Ward 1 however, this is not the case. The ward itself is much larger and treats a much larger number of patients - roughly around 30 to 35 patients at any one time I would say. and everyone has a different type of cancer, and hence a different type of treatment. I am there all day and see people coming and going all the time. I have now picked a spot, strategically next to the toilet, where I can sit and watch everyone coming and going.

I have one other blog that I follow, from a friend in the south of England, writing from the point of view of a husband watching and helping his wife go through her treatment. Andy and Janine have an inspiring faith and Janine seems to face up to her treatment with unwavering faith in God and a strong sense of humour (possibly slightly dark at times, but well...)

I know that there are time when that faith in God will be shaken and the sense of humour slips (see the start of this post :) but I think I would like to say that both Andy and Janine have been a great inspiration to me.

(I also feel inadequate in the blog posting department, when every other day there is a new email in my mailbox anouncing a new post from Andy).

I do believe that God has me in the palm of his hand at all times - even the dark of the night, but I don't think that this comes across in this blog. To a certain extent this is a deliberate choice - I have chosen to concentrate on symptoms and treatments and miss out the reliance on God.
I know that God can heal supernaturally and sometimes chooses to do so, but I also know that he uses people he has put on the earth, such as the medical and nursing staff (both Christian and non-Christian alike)  who look after me, to fulfil his sovereign plans.

Enough of this night-time drivel - this has taken nearly an hour to write and it is almost time for breakfast telly to start.

God Bless

Graham